She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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