My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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