Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
