In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
