i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
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