no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You pole danced in your parka.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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