I don't think brook has ever known best
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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