So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
