Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
