Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
