Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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