I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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