I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
