In America we eat man semen.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
3pm strippers are depressing
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
