I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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