Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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