I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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