I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
