ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
