I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
