I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
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Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
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I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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