I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Randomize
