So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
