Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
