his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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