I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
