Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
