My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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