Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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