An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Boobs are out for the taking
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
