Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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