I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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