i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
