the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
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there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
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the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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