He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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