my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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