Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
