frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
