So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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