You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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