I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
