are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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