I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
