I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
