I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
