Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
