You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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