grandma shit on top of the toilet
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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