So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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