don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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