I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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