Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
