Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
