Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
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i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
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A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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