What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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