I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
