He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
