My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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