Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
